Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member