Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.