Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.