It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.