What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member