We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.