I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.