I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

Men are as faithful as their options.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.