I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.