When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.