One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.