I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.