I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I'm single because I was born that way.