Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Men are as faithful as their options.

No good deed goes unpunished.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.