An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.