When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.