Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.