Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

I drink to make other people more interesting.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?