He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.