Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.