When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.