Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.