What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.