There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.