I drink to make other people more interesting.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.