In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.