When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.