My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.