Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Men are as faithful as their options.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.