Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!