If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.