I will not join any club who will take me as a member

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.