I have nothing to declare except my genius.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.