When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.