I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.