To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

No good deed goes unpunished.