Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

No good deed goes unpunished.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.