Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.