He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.