I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.