I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.