I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.