I will not join any club who will take me as a member

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.