At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.