When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.