If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.