What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.