You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

I drink to make other people more interesting.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.