I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.