I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.