A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!