Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.