Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.