I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.