Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.