If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

No good deed goes unpunished.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.