Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.