Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.