If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.