It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

No good deed goes unpunished.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money