A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.