If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?