I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.