Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.