Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…