He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

No good deed goes unpunished.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.