Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.