My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.