I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.