A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.