The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.