War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.