You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.