I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.