No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Men are as faithful as their options.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.