Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity