It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.