Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.