No good deed goes unpunished.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Men are as faithful as their options.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.