What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
I'm single because I was born that way.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.