When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.