Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I'm single because I was born that way.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.