You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.