Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Sex is an emotion in motion.

No good deed goes unpunished.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?