I will not join any club who will take me as a member

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.