Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.