My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Men are as faithful as their options.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.