An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Women are made to be loved not understood.