Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.