Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Men are as faithful as their options.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.