A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Men are as faithful as their options.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.