There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I'm single because I was born that way.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!