There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.