Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion