A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.