My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.