I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.