I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.