He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Men are as faithful as their options.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.