[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
I'm single because I was born that way.