Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.