The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Men are as faithful as their options.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.