If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?