I just want to retire before I go senile because if I don't retire before I go senile, then I'll do more damage than good at that point.

Religion is like a knife: you can either use it to cut bread, or stick in someone's back.

If the only prayer you said was thank you, that would be enough.

Anyone who attempts to generate random numbers by deterministic means is, of course, living in a state of sin.

As long as we believe in absurdities we shall continue to commit atrocities.

A lie never lives to be old.

My specialty is detached malevolence.

Your personal nature seeks its paradise.

I may not be better than other people, but at least I'm different.

Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives.

Effective action is always unjust.

Face the facts of being what you are, for that is what changes what you are.

All human actions have one or more of these seven causes: chance, nature, compulsion, habit, reason, passion, and desire.

I'm not a genius. I'm just a tremendous bundle of experience.

A book is a mirror: if an ape looks into it an apostle is hardly likely to look out.

When one door is closed, don't you know that many more are open

If you talk bad about country music, it's like saying bad things about my momma. Them's fightin' words.

It is a good rule in life never to apologize. The right sort of people do not want apologies, and the wrong sort take a mean advantage of them.

Too often we enjoy the comfort of opinion without the discomfort of thought.

Some newspapers are fit only to line the bottom of bird cages.

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back.