The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Men are as faithful as their options.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.