Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

No good deed goes unpunished.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.