Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!