There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.