Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.