Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Men are as faithful as their options.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.