A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.