Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Sex is an emotion in motion.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?