If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.