The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.