Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.