That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.