My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.