My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
I'm single because I was born that way.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!