Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.