Women are made to be loved not understood.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.