You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Women are made to be loved not understood.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.