You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion