Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.