My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.