Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Men are as faithful as their options.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.