Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Men are as faithful as their options.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.