Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.