I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
No good deed goes unpunished.
Men are as faithful as their options.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.