If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

No good deed goes unpunished.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.