Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.