I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.