I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
I drink to make other people more interesting.