Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!