The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.