There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

I'm single because I was born that way.