The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Men are as faithful as their options.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.