My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.