Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Sex is an emotion in motion.