Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
I'm single because I was born that way.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.