I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.