An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ