If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Men are as faithful as their options.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?