Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I'm single because I was born that way.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.