At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
I'm single because I was born that way.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.