To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.