Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.