He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.