Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.