If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.