There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
Sex is an emotion in motion.