The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
Men are as faithful as their options.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!