There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.