I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.