If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.