Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.