I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.