If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Men are as faithful as their options.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.