An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

I'm single because I was born that way.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.