I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.