I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Women are made to be loved not understood.