The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.