The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Men are as faithful as their options.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.