I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.