I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.