I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.