Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.