There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.