My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Men are as faithful as their options.