I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I'm single because I was born that way.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?