Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.