My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity