Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?