I'm single because I was born that way.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.