He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.