Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.