You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.