I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.