I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.