There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.