All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
I'm single because I was born that way.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.