I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.