I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
No good deed goes unpunished.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.