If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.