Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.