Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
Men are as faithful as their options.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?