I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.