[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.