Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.