Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.