If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.