I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.