There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

No good deed goes unpunished.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Men are as faithful as their options.