I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.