If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.