Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.