I will not join any club who will take me as a member

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.