There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.