Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.