I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments