I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.