All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Men are as faithful as their options.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.