A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.