I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.