A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'