Sex is an emotion in motion.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.