If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.