Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.