Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!