At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.