I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.