I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.