We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.