He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.