If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.