I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!