Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.