Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.