If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.