A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.