I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.