A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.