I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.