No good deed goes unpunished.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.