No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
I'm single because I was born that way.