[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

I'm single because I was born that way.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.