I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.