I drink to make other people more interesting.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.