It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.