Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.