I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.