Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Men are as faithful as their options.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…