Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.