I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.