Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.