Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.