Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

I'm single because I was born that way.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.