I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.