All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.