I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.