If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.