A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.