No good deed goes unpunished.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.