The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!