I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.