Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.