Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I'm single because I was born that way.