Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.