Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.