My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

I'm single because I was born that way.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?