War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I'm single because I was born that way.