May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.