Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.