You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.