A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.