Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?