There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Men are as faithful as their options.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.