He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity