There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
Men are as faithful as their options.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.