My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.