If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.