Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.