The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.