Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?