I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Men are as faithful as their options.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.