It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.