My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.