Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.