He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion