I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.